sadface

   So basically, Niko left and Michelle is leaving in five days. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to feel alone, without my support group here, without the people who tell me that I'm crazy in a comforting way when I have hypochondriac moments and need to express them to someone. I am honestly scared of being by myself...maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't alone in the flat. Most of the time being alone here is amazing cus I can make as much noise as I want, prop my door open, go to the kitchen in my underwear, etc. But sometimes at night it gets really lonely and too quiet. And then the nervousness sets in. I don't know, I'm just scared of being by myself, the same childish shit that bothers me as usual.
   And...I can't deal with the pressure from both sides. ... ........ major dot dot dot situation. Major...goes into homesickness and also not wanting to leave. I am ready to have summer at home. Going to Target for no reason and looking at the clothes and shit I don't need. And going to coffee. And being bored at night in Kalamazoo. But that's where it gets sticky...I am not the same person I was. Rather, maybe I am but with a different set of people...I don't know. I miss home. I miss the places. But I don't want to leave yet. What if I don't come back?
   I guess I will talk about the positive. I know that I have made some wonderful friendships while I'm here and while it makes me really sad to leave them, I'm glad for the time and I know that they will continue somehow. Robyn and I have been talking a lot lately and that's been really nice. I guess that makes me feel less alone when I stay up later than I intend shooting the shit with her and at least five times majorly laughing out loud into this empty flat out of pure hilarity and joy. Lesson: that girl cracks me up. And there are moments when I talk to her (and to others) and just have to cry because I don't know what I'm going to do without access to them in my day-to-day life. Augh, I'm at that point. But even writing the good has made things better. I just need a go to person who is going to be reassuring once Michelle isn't there to call my bluff. I will be holding auditions for the role. x.

BOREDO[O]M and so. much. rambling.

Why oh why does it have to be nice outside and I have total lack of will to do anything productive. Things I did do: finished The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, went through a book for Psychoanalysis, went through a book for Shakespeare, went to the library, ate lots of food, watched like three or four eppys of Big Bang (Season 1 and Season 4 are best). At one point I turned on my computer to start working on creative writing and I got as far as opening my documents folder before I watched Big Bang again and then started skyping with Obi and eating copious amounts of food. Then my computer was on for too long so I took a break and I'm running out of things to clean and organize in my boredom. I straightened up a drawer and my desk and washed the dishes. I am currently back on the sadness train, listening to musicals and Chris Bathgate and feeling sorry for myself because I know things can't always be perfect, but I thrive on a little drama, but I have no meter so I bring it all on myself. I feel out of touch. And bloated. Can't forget bloated. I've been craving chai in the middle of the afternoon and I find that weird but I indulge. Isn't flucloxacillin a silly name? Say that five times fast. Mmm I think part of it is homesickness cus the other day we were out buying a pizza and eating in the park and spring/summer here feels like home, like when you ignore work in order to go out and play and you go buy junk food and life becomes an adventure as you walk around eating things that aren't good for you in the warmth and dwindling sunlight. All the Michigan folk music makes me homesick, sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. It makes me hope for the best for next year--that there will be good parties, good people, I will enjoy my classes and my life, I will dress funky and will sit on the grass when it's warm. I will be ok with going home as long as it's not too boring--if I get gigs like Breathe Owl Breathe and Chris Bathgate (maybe at the Strutt, maybe not), walking around K, walking around town in general, going to Kazoo Books and petting the cat, going to Waterstreet!!!! and drinking loads of chai shakes with dark chocolate flavoring, visiting Ann Arbor, being with my crazy, crazy friends. I was walking earlier and thinking about that--how some of my friendships just sort of fell into place because of our common wackiness, and here you really have to prove that to people, show your wackness and prove it before you can reach that point where you're talking about your genitals in detail with them, talking about daddy issues, rubbing their ass with your feet like a cricket until they fart really hard in your room...you have to build up to that shit with people you don't know. To cuddling on Parliament Hill on a stolen airplane blanket. OMG PANERA. I can't wait for Panera. The hardest part is knowing that I will be missing England through all this. Girl nights where we watch shit tv or a good movie and do henna and talk about guys. The beach...I feel greatly conflicted. OH SETTLERS OF CATAN...how I miss you. Video Hits Plus. Three Rivers. Lowry's. The highway. Rave. K's campus. My house. Patty's house. My mum's Subaru and driving. Den pops. Late night walks with Theo, Devin, and Evan. My family randomly coming up to Michigan. I am now listening to Graham Parsons. I thought you should know. I am also really sleepy again.

Apathy

   I am meant to be doing essay work, but I can't be bothered atm. I wrote almost 600 words for cw final...but it's really staccato scene-wise and nothing is really flowing so I'm giving up and writing here to see if it will help (and will probs write in actual journal later too) to get the juices going. I am going to watch Big Bang Theory in a bit, too, and maybe Skins, cus I am so tired I do NOT feel like just hitting the books. Or maybe I feel like hitting them but not opening them and taking notes. My goal to spend all of tomorrow and Sunday doing so.

   The weather has been BEAUTIFUL lately. On Wednesday Michelle and I spent an hour in the park behind gds reading and then that night was Niko's last, so I sucked it all up even though I felt ill as hell and we went up to Parliament Hill where we feasted on Pret and sort of watched the sunset, but mostly people watched (kite man, hooligan kids, people making out and mounting each other in public-->see laughing about it with cute hipster boy). Cue several fail attempts on my part to piggyback ride Niko...peed my pants slightly in the park. Was so knackered couldn't go back to Hampstead cus I knew I wouldn't get home until late. I got the northern line home and spent it just like, zoned, snuffling and trying not to cry a bit.

   Today I went to the doctor again, but this time for IUD stuff. The Dean Street nurse was amazing--I love sexual health clinic workers because they're so open and nice and wonderful. She was great to me and I had the Australian nurse again to just generally talk to, and she is just the sweetest. I was there for like two hours. Had a ROUGH pelvic exam by mean doctor man. Been on the computer since I've been home. No will to do anything. Will try to write later and perhaps come up with a plan for my life. I need an outdoor table and no wind. That would be magical. Work work work the weekend away. Register for classes for next year on Monday. Attempt to get my shit together. Let's go!

Megavideo is being a little bitch--->blogging time

   Yes, been totally slacking lately. This past week has been stressful because I had a history essay due and Cheapside stuff due and it was all a lot. I ended up finishing things running on like four hours sleep but it was all ok. I went to see Patrick Wolf again on Tuesday night, this time at a club in Camden called Koko. I went with Nina and met her bestie, Roy, who was a total sweetheart and very nice. We had a box area on the second tier sort of at the side. It was a nice view and one didn't get all concert-sweaty. A guy called Rowdy Superstar opened the show. He was like glam rap with backup dancers. It was fun but the strobe lights were kind of intense. Patrick again was amazing. He played a lot of older songs like "To the Lighthouse" which was fun to hear live. I really liked hearing "Hard Times" live as well. It was super Middle Eastern emphasized. I was getting bummed about not hearing The City until he played it in the encore and I was a happy girl. It took us ages to get out until they cleared the way for Nina to leave and she tumbled down the ramps with some WHEEE!s. We went around back and waited for at least an hour and a half and I was a bit despairing cus I hadn't really started my history essay and there was a long trek home for me. But finally when Patrick came out, a lot of things were justified. Here was this man--the memory that sticks out for me was getting through 2.5 hours of orgo at kamsc and knowing that I was going to CD Warehouse to finally buy Magic Position. And then just blasting that in my car and it was all I basically listened to for a month and I carried around the CD case for two days in class cus it made me so happy. And I printed off pictures of him and put them on my planner to make me happier at kamsc. AND HE WAS STANDING THERE OUTSIDE A CLUB IN LONDON. I was trying not to freak.

   I zoned and finally when I came back in he had come over to us. I couldn't really speak because all I had to say was, "Omg, I've loved you since I was 16, your music got me through orgo, thank you" cus that would be a jumble and yeah. So I just introduced myself and he made sure to get my name right and then Roy and Nina and he talked about the gig and the sound, etc and I was thinking, "He's so tall in real life!" Before I missed my chance, I asked for a pic and then it was funny cus he kept talking to Nina and Roy was waiting to take the picture and I was like, "Picture with Patrick Wolf!" AND HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND ALL LEANED DOWN.

 

I LOOK SO HAPPY IN THIS PIC. And then we left and I was trying not to freak again. There was no night bus from there so we walked to Euston where there was no night bus then we just flagged a cab and went to Nina's so I could get my stuff. Then She and Roy walked me out to Waterloo Road where I flagged another cab and got home around 2. 

   Wednesday was Ben's bday and Michelle's. I talked to Ben for like twenty min but I was all crazed and running late putting on makeup cus we were going out to dinner for Michelle's bday. We went to this Indian place in the East End called Tayyabs and it was so cheap and amazing. There were dishes covering every inch of the table. Samosas, naan, tikka masala, mango lassi, everything. Then we came back to mine and basically just played music and talked and drank some wine and stuff. It was nice. Oh! I also wore my dress from Salvation Army that cost me less than 4 pounds and it was awesome. And I kept up with a gangle wearing heels. So that's my life in a nutshell. Classes have ended. I have three weeks to write 12,500 words and Psychoanalysis was shot down and basically...I'm not despairing and don't know why. Am having a sleepover with Michelle and Niko tonight and last night's hypochondriac worry was perforated uterus. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. Niko leaves on Thursday. Michelle and I sat in the grass for half an hour yesterday waiting for the swings to open up. It was nice to be outside. It's spring!