sadface

   So basically, Niko left and Michelle is leaving in five days. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to feel alone, without my support group here, without the people who tell me that I'm crazy in a comforting way when I have hypochondriac moments and need to express them to someone. I am honestly scared of being by myself...maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't alone in the flat. Most of the time being alone here is amazing cus I can make as much noise as I want, prop my door open, go to the kitchen in my underwear, etc. But sometimes at night it gets really lonely and too quiet. And then the nervousness sets in. I don't know, I'm just scared of being by myself, the same childish shit that bothers me as usual.
   And...I can't deal with the pressure from both sides. ... ........ major dot dot dot situation. Major...goes into homesickness and also not wanting to leave. I am ready to have summer at home. Going to Target for no reason and looking at the clothes and shit I don't need. And going to coffee. And being bored at night in Kalamazoo. But that's where it gets sticky...I am not the same person I was. Rather, maybe I am but with a different set of people...I don't know. I miss home. I miss the places. But I don't want to leave yet. What if I don't come back?
   I guess I will talk about the positive. I know that I have made some wonderful friendships while I'm here and while it makes me really sad to leave them, I'm glad for the time and I know that they will continue somehow. Robyn and I have been talking a lot lately and that's been really nice. I guess that makes me feel less alone when I stay up later than I intend shooting the shit with her and at least five times majorly laughing out loud into this empty flat out of pure hilarity and joy. Lesson: that girl cracks me up. And there are moments when I talk to her (and to others) and just have to cry because I don't know what I'm going to do without access to them in my day-to-day life. Augh, I'm at that point. But even writing the good has made things better. I just need a go to person who is going to be reassuring once Michelle isn't there to call my bluff. I will be holding auditions for the role. x.