Going through the (e)Motions

   I think for me it's harder to forget than to forgive. Because even when things are good, that thing is still going to creep up on me, and it's going to knock down my self-esteem until you are here, telling me what it really was, what I really am to you. I am still not going to feel good enough from time to time, especially when all I want is for you to acknowledge what I've said to you, my apologies, my questions. I'm going to wonder how you thought I was done in such a short time, if you really thought that I could write everything off so quickly. That's going to hurt. I know it's in the past, but what happens if that's the future? How do we move forward through it? How could you not think it had to do with me? How? Even if 'us' wasn't happening, it still lurked so strongly in the background it was impossible to ignore. I just don't understand. And that's what gets me every time I think about it. Because I want to know but I don't because it hurts and not knowing hurts too. If I don't understand then I can't prevent it. Am I enough? Sexuality aside, am I? I hope so. I want you to acknowledge how much it hurts for me and how it affects the way I feel. I want you to know and tell me that you know, then I can feel better once you understand. My mantra is a countdown. You're the something good waiting at zero.