There's nothing you can't aaaassskkkk, on the Savage Lovecasttt....

   So I meant to save this until later but I need to just write it down before I'm too much of a chickenshit, before it continues to eat me up a little.

   Last week was little better than the first week of classes. I got far too little sleep for not having my weekends, and the tiredness left me feeling physically unwell. On Thursday night I was driven to just cry which only helped a little bit. Friday was our first day at the Globe, and I was honestly not impressed. It was bitter cold and we sat in the Globe (open-air theatre) for an hour and it was more or less the same lecture I received there back in November when I went for Jacobean. So that was a bit disappointing. I booked it to Strand after that to see about how long it would take and it was half an hour all in all and I was beat to shit by the time I made it up to the history classroom. I had skipped history lecture for Globe that day but I did do two of the readings so I had some semblance of what was going on. Niko came back to that class which meant more messing around towards the end than I should have done. Then I madly quoted America fuck yeah before I ran off so I could make it back to the Globe in time for my workshop. I literally took a bus just around the corner to the end of Waterloo bridge and then the wind was against me the whole way. That day was one of the only days that I've blatantly thought that I hate London. I actually made it to the Globe with 13 min to spare apparently, and I collapsed on a bench with a headache.
   There was a boy I had spoken to in lecture sitting on the ground and Michelle was talking to Sarah, so I went and pow-wowed with him on the ground and found out his name is Ollie. I told him that only British guys could pull off that name and we laughed about how nasally it sounded coming from me. I found out he was born in America and came here when he was 7. He did a near-perfect American accent and it was really amusing. Our workshop was just us doing acting exercises to explore the space of the theatre but again, it was so cold that holding the sheet with the monologue made my hands hurt. I wasn't a happy camper and was grateful when it was done. I think the other sessions should be better though.
   Work this weekend was ok. I'm officially halfway through, although I did ask if I could add one weekday shift so we'll see about that. Saturdays are always the best for reaching people. We called teachers, who were generally really nice. And UCL alumni. I feel like the London graduates are the civilised ones. They are always willing to give more time. I actually was chatting with a few of them. Some guy told me he liked my accent, but why anyone would ever like an American accent is beyond me. Another guy was sooo nice; while he looked for his postcode, we chatted about living in London. It's calls like that that make me happy and make the time go faster. Sundays always drag though, especially towards the end. You feel like shit for bothering people on a Sunday afternoon/evening. And we worked right up until the end. But there was a lot of work camaraderie. Richard and Florien have an annoying tendency to compare people's jobs and how much they make and they judge the people who went to school for something like fine art when they're not employed six months after graduating. So I finally told them to lay off and it turned into a joke, which I was grateful for. James, who was sitting at the next table over, would always be just sitting there smirking and throwing in his bit, entertained by our conversations. We were talking about American culture and someone asserted that hip hop was American culture. More jokes. It was just funny and I felt slaphappy because no one was picking up the phone so there was lots of time for here and there comments. Also, I found out how to pronounce Gloucestershire (cus we started on that uni as well). I was so nervous each time I had to say it.  And Sara is so nice. I'm happy that I met her cus even when she was late yesterday and sat at a different table, we both still moved together to chat at break times.

Now for the heavy bit. When I want it, I need a lot of attention. Constantly. And no one can give me that. I've been mulling over things for the past week (cue my tired sickness and too much music and realizing that I just needed QUIET to make the debate in my head stop), and I guess I realised that I don't know how to take care of myself. Not when it comes down to it. I look to other people, but it took until today to see that no one is capable of the job right now. I don't know that it's fair of me to ask. After I wasted my time last night, I realised that I put myself out there too much. I make myself available all the time and that means available to be stomped on, even if it's not meant. I kind of can't wait for work to be over because I just need a sleep in day where I do nothing and don't leave the building. I don't think I'll really get that for the next two weeks. I guess I can deal with that, but I just need the mental health day. I feel like I need to cocoon away, to wrap up inside myself and not let anyone in. Cue just watching Psych (my brother was right, when it was actually laugh-out-loud funny) and being with me. I don't know. I feel sad. Yes, that's right, I feel fucking sad. I have the right to be. But I guess it's up to me and me alone to get over it. In due course I suppose.
Well, I have to go read about rape and mutilation...Titus Andronicus...ta.

blah blah blah

   I don't know why I'm blogging necessarily. I don't have much to say but I feel like typing and I feel like squaring away my life. Because that's been happening a bit more maybe in the past two days. I am still getting over the toothness...I really want to eat lots and lots of foods that I can't eat and chewing on one side of my mouth is not fun. I'm worried about site infection because for the first two days after the extraction I rinsed with salt water only like twice with like an eight-hour gap in between. And then I took salt in a tupperware container to work to do it lots of times there. Work is ok and bearable only because I do it two days in a row. Although Sundays can be quite hard, as people are having tea and don't like the intrusion. But yesterday we got out half an hour early so that was nice (I hope we're still getting paid). Lea, Michelle, and Mini came over for some tea and we chatted for about two hours and then I talked to Theo for about two hours and even though I was really tired, I listened to lovecast before bed and did sudoku. I am going to buy a new sudoku book this week (I don't know if I can find a new puzzle to get into). Also, I don't know how/if I'm going to be able to break this habit/ritual that I've gotten used to should I become swamped with homework. I wasn't last week cus there wasn't loads of homework and I didn't have access to history readings. Also, I have a conundrum about missing history classes this semester due to Globeness. But I can't give up the Globe and I must talk to Jonathan and hope he understands.
   I think the best thing about this semester is going to be my teacher for two of my classes (good thing I like her!): Literature and Psychoanalysis and Creative Writing: the Novel. I love her. She is wacky and cool and does loads of accents and the correct pronunciation of German, French, etc. names and her accent reminds me of Drew Barrymore in Ever After. It's twinged with an American accent because (I'm guessing) she does an American accent quite a bit. She is uh-mazing. I am a bit more reserved in CW because it's a bigger class and I know a lot of the people from classes last semester so I'm shy, but she mentioned erotica like three times as a genre so I had to go up to her after class and tell her that was so cool because I write erotica. I think it's going to be a good semester as far as those classes go. Reading thus far for litpsych (as I will call it for short) has not been heavy, but I think the final paper is going to kill me (4500 word pyschoanalytic paper). And in creative writing we get to read some really fun and good stuff (Middlemarch finally, Ellen!). Yeah. :)
   Today I haven't done much. Lots of Psych (the show, I guess I've decided to watch it from the beginning), lovecast/sudoku, and a bit of reading for school. Tomorrow I do Sexpression again, which I don't necessarily look forward to because it involves getting up to an alarm. And I teach STIs again...blah. But relationships on Thurs, so new stuff! OH. Most important bit is I picked up London Student (a newspaper) on Friday and I have planned some more museum touristy stuff for the next few weeks! Finally going to get out there again! Also, I am planning rewards for myself to get through the semester: haircut (needed) for making it halfway through work to be schedule in about a week's time, and possibly some nail polish, and a small amount of retail therapy some point after that. Within reason, mind you, just one new pair of pants and a shirt maybe. At Uniqlo...I was looking at their website and they have some pants for fifteen pounds. So I think I'll be ok.

bad first week of classes...and it isn't even over yet.

   Ok so Monday was awful cus I have to get up at 7:30am for ONE 9-10am class. It was really bad, like walking into class 40 min late cus of lots of mix-ups bad. Then I had words with the professor afterward, being an assertive, in-your-face American. Then I went the fuck home and sulked and was tired and ate good food. That night I had a REALLY good conversation with Obi. <3
   Yesterday I had coffee with Mini, which was really nice. Unfortunately, I just barely ate all day. Then I went to the CW event and munched on a bunch of random shit until I was eating some crusty bread and my tooth shell just shattered! Bleeding a bit, freaked out. Katie let me use her phone to call Mum, so I did and then left, taking the tube so I could get home faster, awkwardly holding a bloody tissue and trying not to cry.
   So basically it's a baby tooth that they identified before I left as eating away at itself and that it could fall out at any time while I was gone. The plan was to get it pulled as soon as I got home and then have an implant put in then a cap. Now the plan was sped up. It didn't actually hurt, it was just sensitive. I went home and called the nhs dentist line and they weren't much help and I called the emergency line and the lady was like angry at me for calling! I mean, they can't really blame a kid for freaking out alone in a foreign country! So then I sat online for hours talking to people to distract myself. I talked to Kyle's gf, Natalie, who's a 4th year dental student and she was really reassuring. I went to bed at quarter to ten but every time I was nearly asleep, I caught myself and wouldn't let myself fall asleep cus I was worried about the tooth. Finally I fell asleep in the wee hours and my alarm interrupted a good dream. I printed off the letter from the peridontist and went to Guy's hospital. They have six floors of dental stuff! I filled out paperwork at the emergency place and then got called back and a student looked at me and then presented it to her supervisor. Then I had an x-ray done and sat for an hour in the waiting room. Finally, the supervisor got me again and told me she was just going to pull it there because by the time she scheduled me elsewhere it might not have been done until tomorrow.
   Cue me tearing up slightly, freaking out about shots and being alone in the country and shots in my mouth that I can feel going deep in and if I opened my eyes seeing the needle still there. Not ok. Cold, numb mouth really unnerving. Feeling the strain in my jaw as she pushed the tooth out unnerving. Apparently because the tooth had a massive hole, gum tissue had just grown up inside it. All of this was free. Then I was on my way, lip trembling, wanting to cry a little bit still on the walk home. Overwhelming urge to just drool but didn't want to freak people out and didn't have a tissue handy to wipe my lip. First thing in the flat is go to kitchen and drool blood goo into the sink (I rinsed of course) and then realized there were no paper towels. Sigh. Spent the next four hours on the computer skyping and watching lots of tv and starving my brains out. Finally made ramen and cuddled and then made it out to Costcutter for some groceries. Treated myself a bit to fancy smoothie drinks. Read for psychoanalysis and did podcast in bed. Fluffy duvetcloud :). Then went back on computer with yummy tomato soup. Want sausages. And real food. And pancakes. Dear sweet jesus, pancakes. I'm going to compile a list of foods to eat in the first week of my return home. There is no applesauce here. That is like my go-to mouth-on-the-fritz food. Panera on the way home from the airport, pancakes and hearty breakfast the next day...I am going to live it up. Until then, I am just a chapped-lip, dehydrated, headachey, mouthachy girl.

SO. CLOSE.

   Hey y'all. So I had my first weekend of work. And it wasn't too bad!! The only time it got bad was towards the end today when I was just tired of fucking calling people and it was robotic: call, ring ring ring ring, leave message, hang up, repeat. for like twenty straight minutes. On the bright side I've met some nice people. The girl who sat next to me both days was really nice. Her name is Sara and she's a second year at Queen Mary. And across from me sat a Romanian guy who's studying at King's named Florian. Yesterday a girl named Folu sat at our table and she shared half her sandwich with me when I had forgotten mine. :) Today a British guy called Richard sat at our table (he sat at it yesterday but kind of got kicked out because he had already done it to the more quiet back area). I can't quite figure him out because he's nice when you talk to him but isn't great at continuing conversation. He's doing an MA at King's and we discussed how horribly disorganized King's is. I dunno, so overall work is going well. I made some stupid mistakes in the first hour of the first day but it got better. I had to call one guy back because I missed a whole section of information. I had only like two or three callers this weekend who were really augh. One woman thought the information was too personal so she refused to do the survey and another woman today kind of refused to do it but I think she actually took down the link to do it online. So that's good.
   This is really all I have to report other than that I listened to an album today and it blew the fuck out of my mind and that's exciting.

Almost there

   So I'm in the middle of another extremely vivid (and this time around extremely fucked up) dream week. Last night's dream was some sort of continuation of the night before. Marshal, Obi, Chelsey and I were having one of our movie times like normal. We were watching a horror movie and then somehow I was on facebook. Then it was my birthday (these details just bled into the dream). And Theo's mum came to the door to wish me happy birthday. Luke was in the background. We talked for like fifteen minutes and by the time I came back there was this huuuuuuge IM list all in one window of all the people who had facebook IMed me in the short time I was gone sending me happy birthday messages but now they were all offline and I felt bad for missing them. The movie was still going on. Marshal was a strong presence in the dream. And then at the back of my mind I knew that at the end of the day I was going to get to see Theo again, and I even had this idea that he was going to come surprise me and show up while we were watching the horror movie. And then I woke up to my alarm. That was the tamest dream...my brother won't tell you the details of the others cus he told me never to tell him again lol.
   Yesterday I was so bored I was sad and thus I grasped for old tv shows. I watched an eppy of the IT Crowd and it made me laugh out loud and it was just last summer wrapped up in a funny package. (So I've been watching it more today). I trekked out into the humidity to see Nina, and man, was that worth it. We painted our nails and kind of ignored this one show but overall we talked a lot and it was GOOD talk. And slightly unnerving that I kept making her just burst out laughing (unnerving because I didn't know why), but I really do feel like, not that we're really similar or have the same opinions on some things, cus we don't, but that the way we talk about things and maybe approach things or something is largely the same. I feel like good conversation comes easy with her, like I'm not trying really hard and we can talk about serious things or funny things or whatever. It was just a good evening.
   Today was my official Irish Lit exam, and boy, do they take their exams seriously here. A huge conference hall acrossish London with like 1000 seats of multiple exams happening at the same time. And I literally started not feeling well just as I walked to the tube station. But I made it through the exam and honestly, that's the best I think I've ever felt about a prior-disclosed exam. I only prepared like three days in advance and only looked over my notes like two times today. I think what really helped was that one of the questions I really identified with or meant something to me. And that's something I was talking to Nina about last night--studying literature here I feel like I'm somehow getting closer to the text than I have at home. Maybe it's the small groups. Maybe it's being in England. Maybe its the no pressure throughout the semester and then lots of essay choice at the end. Last night I thought back to my satire class from last year--it was great, I loved the teacher, I loved the books, but I never really got close to them. In class it was kind of a what's what of pop culture referencing and thus only like four guys in the class got everything thrown out. It was entertaining but I didn't take much away from it. Whereas in my classes here, even though I've definitely felt like a lot of the stuff I learned was bullshit or I would never use again, somehow there was an essay at the end that I really connected with and gave me some saving grace for what I went through in the semester. Majoring in English here isn't as big as it is at Michigan, so maybe that's why I feel like things get more personal. Half Michigan are fucking English majors frequently majoring in something else and it's just a mess. While I do like being able to pick from a bigger variety of classes, I do value the experience I've had thus far here. And I just love books. Also, I told Nina that her book collection just makes me happy cus we have similar taste and because some of the stuff she had to read for class was by authors that I had had to read. I've just done so much fucking growing. Podcast, new people, literature. Love it love it.

OMG CAN CLASSES START NOW PLZKTHXBYE

   I'm going a little stir-crazy what with the nothing to do. Although I don't know HOW to do homework anymore...it's kind of going to be a problem once classes do actually begin (I don't even think they are anymore).
   Biggest thing on my plate that just happened was I had my two sessions for Sexpression and I kind of feel like death right now because I've been up since 7:30am. I would say all in all they went rather well. It's great to have another volunteer with me though because I'm good at presenting the information but the other people have saved my ass with the good questions like, "Why do you think that...?" and generally thinking on their feet. Augh. But I went, I tried, I did. And the kids today were especially responsive and knowledgeable about STIs, which surprised me, but it was great that they didn't need a LOT of prompting. It was weird getting home today at like 11am and it feeling like the middle of the afternoon. I watched QI for like an hour and a half and I felt like it was 3pm when it was only 12:30! So I actually did some work and organized fully one of my essays for Friday. Then I went onto the cloud duvetland and read a bit for the second essay until my eyes failed me. Blah de blah. MORE PODCAST and sudoku times.

Is it weird that I consider it a treat to myself to get under the covers to study or to podcast and sudoku before bed? Oh man, that sounds so nice right now...UM. As in U of M, as in want Ann Arbor and friends and autumn in Michigan and a HOUSE and stuff. January in England is fucking humid and too warm and I can't properly enjoy chai when it's this warm and my hair is froing and I just generally don't approve...England, cut it out. I'm going to write soon. I know it.

STILL alive

   Ok so my essays are done and nearly ready to turn in for tomorrow. I have to print some copies tomorrow and cross my fingers that the computer labs aren't a mess. Robyn was sooo nice as to print off one copy of each for me even with cover sheets. Amazing. I am excited to see her tomorrow and to make her a mix soon. I take mix cds probably way too seriously. I attempted to make Rachel one over the summer and I filled a whole sheet of paper with song titles only to abandon it eventually cus I couldn't narrow it down.
   It didn't occur to me until last night that people were actually going to be returning today and I've grown so used to having the flat be just me and Arif and Alison a bit that I admit that I'm a little resentful that it's full again. But it is a shared space so I will deal with it. I have my own things now and that makes me happier. My room is clean again. Alison changed the vacuum bag today so it works again and my floor is clean! The simple things in life. :) I also returned a stack of books to Maughan today and paid my 3 pound something in fines (oh essays). Michelle, Judith and I went to Wagamama for lunch this afternoon and it was quite good. I got the miso ramen. To drink I got the Orange Beet Down which was orange juice, apple juice, pomegranate and beets! Interesting.
   I got my CRB check FINALLY in the mail the other day, which I needed in order to volunteer for Sexpression so I signed up for two sessions this week. As far as I know, I am teaching contraception on Tuesday, which I believe is to 16-17-year-olds. And then on Wednesday I will be teaching STIs. Both times I am teaching with other first-time volunteers, which makes me a bit nervous, but at least I'm not doing it alone, which I would be more scared of. Overall I am excited. As much as I love-hated being stuck in my room forever, it should prove good to get out of the flat and do something positive.
   Charli knocked on my door today when she got home and it was nice to see her again. I'm definitely glad we bonded those weeks ago even if it was over a negative thing. We chatted with much of the flat and later our new flatmate, whose name I am unable to spell right now so I will leave that until later, arrived and we all kind of got up in her face and chatted to her. She seems quite likable. :) Overall this semester I know I will be doing my thing and trying to not let the small things get to me. I grew so much last semester and learned even more about myself and began changing myself for the better. I hope to not let petty things get me down the next few months. I know I can do it. Oh, the other thing I wanted to note is that the past two or three days I've been listening to tons and tons of the Savage Love podcast (by Dan Savage) and I'm so happy Obi introduced me to him because as much as I thought I knew about sex and sexual health, I'm learning so much! And about relationships in general and life. Sometimes it's good to get the bitchy, blunt advice that is so different from how I would normally approach a situation. And I think that I will definitely try to internalize his way of thinking a little bit more, or I will at least consider things he's said re: relationships in the future. I am glad that it's still ongoing and that there are over 200 podcasts on my iPod right now because I'm only in the 20s and I am really, really enjoying it.

Here's to a good exam week, first volunteering experience, first work experience!